Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

~ Mary Oliver ~

Fire and Ice

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

-Robert Frost

Death Reflection

I do not know how I will be dying, but I imagine it will be when I am an old woman, preferably of old age, satisfied with the life I lived and now waiting to go on to something better. At the moment of my death, I see myself in the comfort of my bedroom, provided by one of my children, reflecting back on the wonderfully mundane life I have lived. I am not one to seek for great adventures or do grand things that will affect people on a wide scale. Instead, I am more a mild introvert on the social scale, who wants to live a normal life, experiencing life in small moments such as taking a stroll in the park or taking a vacation trip with my family. Being the hopeless romantic that I am, my life would be the idealistic, traditional cookie-cutter version of what a woman’s life should be. I would have graduated college, entered a teaching credential program, and became a High School Spanish teacher. A typical night would be grading papers and preparing next week’s lesson plan, staying in reading a good book or watching an inspirational movie, going out to eat with coworkers, catching up with my sorority sisters and seeing our sisterhood flourish, visiting family and family friends, or going to the club or bar once in a blue moon. I might go to graduate school to earn my Masters or PhD if I ever decide to teach a higher level of education. Unexpectedly, I will bump into my future husband at the local coffee shop, work, or family celebration. We will have a beautiful wedding with all our friends and family present, and then honeymoon in romantic Italy or Mexico. Meanwhile he is at the office and I at school, our dog Blue will watch over our house. Within a couple years, our family will expand by four new members, making my parents and parents-in-law ecstatic. As our children grow, we will take them out on family outings and vacations so that they can explore and see the world the way I never did at their age. They will graduate from college, work in their respective careers, and start families of their own. We would be the best grandparents- spoiling our grandchildren with trinkets, telling embarrassing stories of their parents, providing an ear when they had no one else to go to. After retirement, my husband and I will take a trip or two to the places we always wanted to visit but never did. We will spend the next couple of years doing the same routine, and making some memories here and there. On the saddest day of my life, my husband will have had passed, and my family will be there to comfort me. With time I would adapt to living without my husband, trying to carry the family traditions we set forth. When I turn too old or tire of loneliness, I would give my house to one of my children, and live out the rest of my days with my family, making new memories as an old woman or relating ones of the young woman I was. As I anticipate the nearing of my death, I will make preparations so to leave my family in good hands, while I prepare myself for the next step. Although I might not have discovered the cure for cancer or made the next big musical album, I would have happily passed on knowing I made a difference for my students, friends, but most importantly my family. Life might not have been as adventurous or exhilarating as many wish it to be, but that is the way life happens. Life never turns out the way we hope, but you'll just have to learn to do with what you have.

From Reflection to Resolution

This weekend was one of the best experiences I’ve had in a long time. I went to San Luis Obispo with my sorority sisters for our Spring Retreat, a time when we get to bond with our area sisters- 8 chapters from San Jose, San Francisco, Santa Cruz, Berkeley, Humboldt, Fresno, SLO, and Davis. On Friday when we arrived, we settled our stuff into respective rooms we got randomly put into, this way we can meet many of the baby neos, or new sisters, that we haven’t gotten a chance to meet or get to know as well as we wanted to. Then we proceeded to the living room where we were to have a family meeting and go over house rules and agenda for the weekend. After getting all the business out of the way, we were surprised with food, board games, pool, music, and even a keg. Being an academic sorority, not a social one, we rarely get a chance to relax and have fun despite the Greek stereotypes we see in the media or the gossip that goes around; so this retreat was well needed and deserved. We had a lot of fun talking with sisters, dancing, playing games so much so that we stayed up till 4 in the morning.

Four hours later, we were on our way on a hiking trail that would lead us to a beautiful beach. When we got there, the sight was amazing. Looking out to the vast sea, I found loosing myself to the peaceful mood Nature usually has on a person. Just as I was about to zone the world out, my mind started racing with thoughts on how much reading I needed to catch up on, how much time I was sacrificing to be here, how much I really needed to get back into shape, how much my love life sucks (since I’ve been in love with my friend for four years who doesn’t know it and yet we are friends with benefits so it makes it more complicated than desired), how much I missed my family, how much I wanted to sleep, and how much I wanted my mind to just shut the fuck up. I irritably turned away and went back to my sisters who wanted to take a group picture. Then we were on our way back to our cars and back to the house to carry on with the day’s surprises that our sisters had planned for us.

When I came back to Davis on Sunday, I was arranging my backpack and preparing for school the next day. As I was gathering my books, I noticed one that looked familiar but hadn’t seen in a while. It was my diary. I had not written in it for years. Reading some of those entries brought back some good memories and some bad, making me smile all the same. Writing in my diary was something I always tried to do on an occasional basis but never kept up with it for some reason or other. It could have been my lack of time, the cramping in my hand after writing for what seemed to be hours, or just being forgetful. I realized how much my moods changed, the way I thought in certain situations, and all the pitiful vows I took and never kept when something went wrong. “I should have kept writing. It would have covered so much more of my life.” So as I write this very first entry, I can say that I feel blogging would take me a step closer to loving myself more, understanding who I am, and expressing myself. Maybe then, just maybe, my mind would shut up when I most need it to.